SOMETIMES THE DISADVANTAGES ARE TOO MUCH....
I swear that sometimes it is really hard being the Mama of all mamas. I feel so trapped sometimes. I mean really. I didn't get a college education. I went to trade school instead. I wanted to join the Peace Corps but my parents talked me out of it. I wanted to become an architect but my parents wouldn't help me at all financially and I couldn't do it alone. So there it stands I went to trade school. Talk about heading straight down the path of a deadend life.
I fell for my husband because he was HOT! I mean REALLY HOT. I made one of the biggest mistakes I could have ever made in my life. We got married. I didn't marry for love or money, I married for lust. We started living together in September and married in February. We never dated. That is where I f***** up bad. I learned to love him over the years. We have been together almost 15 years.
I guess I am feeling blue because he and I are looking for a house. Easier said than done. He is looking for something expensive and small and I am looking for something huge and in the right school district. I found my dream house last night and he won't even give it a second look. Sure I'm upset about it. I can't believe he doesn't feel the same way that I do. It has 3000 sqft, 6 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. It's perfect! He thinks it's ugly. End of story! He won't even give it a second look. He found one that was just shy of 1800 sqft, no closets way out in the middle of east nowhere, but it has a huge garage! BFD! The only thing it had going for it was that it was pretty, big whoop! The rooms were way too small and it was just not right but hey it had a huge friggin garage. I think I am ready to just walk away, disappear and never be heard from again. I swear I am just going to turn in to a bitter old woman with a lot of cats. I might just as well. The whole reason I started this entry about my education (or rather the lack thereof) leads me to one conclusion. I cannot afford to move out and live on my own. I am not extremely educated. I am a paralegal. That is pretty cut and dry and boring, not to mention it pays diddly-squat. I'm not saying my husband is a bad man, we are just way different with different ideas about life and finances. He makes a SHITLOAD of money but he is so poor with the finances that he has dragged us through bankruptcy, not to mention other embarrassing endeavors. I am just tired of his drama and trying to impress the people around him. I want function in my life not disfunction. I just want a place to call home that I am comfortable in. I could give a shit what anyone in this world thinks of me. If you like me, great, I like you too, if you love me, chances are pretty good that I love you right back. If you can't stand me, good then get the f*** out of my world, I have no time for stupid people.
I'm getting to the point where I don't have a lot of positive things to say or feel about my husband. I hope things get better soon and I hope these feelings are all due to PMS or menopause. I deserve to be happy and it's been a long long time since I have felt true happiness. Please reassure me I am not alone in feeling isolated and alone. Has anyone else felt all alone when you are surrounded by people who love them?!?!
posted by Big Mama at 8:36 PM
8 Comments:
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Oh great, now I am getting spammed by anonymous, can this day get any worse?!?!
Hang in there big mama! I'm here for you, you can vent to me anytime you need to!
Sweetie, first of all, education is mere knowledge of ‘books smarts’… Wisdom and common sense gets you so much farther. Look at your writing for one. Have you ever thought about writing a book or doing short stories? Seriously. You’re talented and you seem to have a great personality. That in itself goes a very long way. So please, do not be ashamed that you are lacking ‘education’.
I quit school at the age of 16 yrs old. I never went back. And…on top of that, I have had jobs at IBM/big telecommunications company and other corporations in accounting and other services. They knew that I only had a ‘high school education’… Personality goes a long way and experience. Don’t worry about that. Go for what you dream for---if it’s writing---go after it---if it’s music---go after it. I know financially at first, it’s like a ‘starving artist’ type of deal, but believe me, God works in mysterious ways and you will find yourself.
As far as you marrying your husband for lust, I think most of us have been there one time or another. Lust can easily be confused with ‘maybe it’s love’… Are you two ‘friends’? It sounds like you’re unhappy and there’s no compromise with any decisions. Communication is the best way to go about this. Talk to him. Start out with “I feel”… Don’t start off with, “You do this” and “You never listen”, or “You” ---period. Start with “you”---by saying, “I feel that you don’t think my feelings are valid.” I’m no therapist—but I went to one and was advised to do this.
Sorry this is a long rant, but I went through the same thing. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this---sometimes emotional turmoil is worse than a physical one.
{{{{hugs to you}}}}
Feel free to email me if you need to talk as well. dtimagery@hotmail.com
Good luck...I totally feel your pain.
Yes everyday!!! I feel alone and feel that I am the only one who really knows the 'me" inside!!! Maybe sit down and write a list of pros/cons. Remember you can do anything you set your mind to!!
hmm is that your dog?
Sherri- You are such a good person, thanks!
~deb~ What would I do without you. You gave me a lot to think about. I really appreciate you picking me up and dusting me off and getting me to think straight again.
Wildbutterfly- Thank you, I needed that.
Phats- No, that was a "photoshopped" pic that a friend of mine hooked me up with, cool huh?
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